Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Fuck appropriateness.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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