I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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