hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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