you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
