She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Randomize
