He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize