yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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