Someone shit on the floor
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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