I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
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