i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
you traded sex for a burrito?
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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