Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
