Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Randomize
