Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
