somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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