I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
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