So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
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