I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Randomize
