I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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