I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize