screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
