I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Is her dick bigger than yours?
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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