you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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