i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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