OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
