i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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