In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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