last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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