i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
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