I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
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