Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize