last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
40s are totally the cure
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
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