I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
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