I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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