My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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