Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
