Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
