I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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