note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
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