Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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