Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
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