if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
