I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
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