maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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