Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
