So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
Randomize
