Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Randomize
