Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
