It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
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