I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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