It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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