I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
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