I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
There's always time for handjobs
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
