You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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