I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
