ADVERTISEMENT

• (508): View more from Massachusetts

  so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear

  (401): View more from Rhode Island

  ...this stays between you and me

  Fav 6 1391 2472

  share tweet
  

• (706): View more from Georgia

  i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"

  Fav 164 2094 3686

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (206): View more from Washington

  I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.

  Fav 31 3916 928

  share tweet
  

• (203): View more from Connecticut

  There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go

  (860): View more from Connecticut

  Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head

  Fav 41 5123 840

  share tweet
  

• (203): View more from Connecticut

  Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.

  Fav 38 5094 954

  share tweet
  

• (707): View more from California

  so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?

  Fav 50 1076 5999

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (860): View more from Connecticut

  He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?

  Fav 12 1350 4033

  share tweet
  

• (928): View more from Arizona

  If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.

  Fav 5 1566 1207

  share tweet
  

• (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.

  Fav 3 2120 735

  share tweet
  

• (570): View more from Pennsylvania

  Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.

  Fav 3 1078 562

  share tweet
  

• (847): View more from Illinois

  Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw

  Fav 1 696 603

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (937): View more from Ohio

  Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.

  Fav 3 820 605

  share tweet
  

• (224): View more from Illinois

  You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends

  Fav 1 561 500

  share tweet
  

• (307): View more from Wyoming

  yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine

  Fav 0 530 377

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (513): View more from Ohio

  He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting

  Fav 0 18 38

  share tweet
  

Randomize