why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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