1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Randomize
