Duck Duck Cougar?
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
