Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
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