You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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