We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
false alarm, still single
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