Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
