Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
