I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I can text with my tongue
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
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